A Crystal Ball of Contradictions

By Tuesday Rivera

6 things to do that bring clarity in the midst of uncertainty

In our ongoing series about navigating transition (Part 1 here), Tuesday explores what to do when we don’t know what to do next. What happens when we aren’t sure of our next step? What do we do when we don’t know what’s next or how to get there? Where do we turn when all we really want is a crystal ball to tell us something, anything, about the future that stretches out before us, and crystal balls are in short supply?

Many of us are in transition right now. Or, rather, many of us want to be in transition right now but we actually feel stuck right where we are. Or maybe, it’s fairer to say that our minds are in transition though our bodies may be right where they’ve always been. We know that we don't want what we have - be it our current job, our primary relationship, or perhaps the place we live - but we also don’t know what we want. We are stuck in the NOW which is unsatisfying, unfulfilling and perhaps even toxic, but we can’t imagine where to go next or can’t see a way to get there. We know that we have to take steps but don’t know where we want to go or how to get there, so it’s hard to know where to place our feet.

​This is why the idea of “visioning” is so attractive - it gives us a direction, a goal. We imagine a future where we are clear and living our best life. And once we have an idea of that target, we can begin to build a path to get there.

But in these wild times, many of us are failing to even have a vision. We’re ready to let our arrow fly toward our targeted vision but the fog is so deep in front of us that we can’t even see the direction of the bullseye! Sometimes it’s because our vision is vague - we want a slower pace, a quieter life, to be in nature, to write, or we just want something different - and it’s hard to know whether to point ourselves left or right. Sometimes we know what we want - to be a teacher, to get a divorce, to move to the country - but we can’t imagine how to possibly get there.

When that’s the case, I suggest that we put away our vision boards, forget the ideas of targets and arrows and bullseyes, stop looking for that crystal ball that will tell us the future and, instead, remember who we are.

Remembering who we are, means that we are never truly stuck or lost. Uncertain, sure. Plagued by doubt, absolutely. But lost, nope. We can’t get lost when we remember that we have a home right here within ourselves. All we have to do is remember ourselves, and we are there.

​Spiritual leaders will tell us that we can remember who we are with every breath. I believe that to be true, but I also know the feeling of being unable to catch my breath because I am so uncertain about my future.

So, how do I remember who I am at any given moment - especially if I’m anxious and breathless? I have started engaging in small, but contradictory behaviors. When I want to remember who I am, I have a set of actions that are in opposition to each other, that help me find myself. Each of these help me to reacquaint me with myself. And while I don’t necessarily do the below in any kind of sequence, I have noticed that doing them regularly is a sure way to remember who I am.

Find Your Smallness
Go to nature. Pray. Look at the stars. Go into a crowd of people and watch them flow by you - none of them knowing you or your story. Do something that reminds you that you are but one small being in one small place on one small planet that simultaneously depends on you for its protection and survival and has no care for you at all. All of this is happening within a universe that is expanding in a way that makes you even smaller in comparison. Remember that you are from and of that universe. The sense of awe that can come from finding your smallness as you look at the sky, as you try to count the trees in the forest and have to give up because there too many, as you watch a squirrel balance on a fence post having not a care in the world about you… these things can help you remember who you are.

Find Your Bigness
Alternately, you are the most important being in the world. Your thoughts and feelings and actions matter. They certainly matter to you. So find ways to spend time with others who they matter to as well. Your children, your partner, your friend, a coworker. You make a huge difference in someone’s life daily: your moods affect theirs, what you think and talk about directly impacts what they think and talk about, your behaviors can make or break their day. Be with them and notice your impact.
​Notice the love that is available to you there. Even if it’s the small kind of love. The kind of love where they smile back at you as they pass your desk. Or the big kind of love, the kind of love where they rely on you to feed them and read them a story at night. Sometimes our bigness can feel overwhelming but when we notice it alongside our smallness before the universe, a beautiful balance emerges, and you understand yourself more deeply.

We are both unimaginably big and infinitesimally small. And it is in this place between the giants and the ants, that we begin to remember ourselves.

Don't Do Anything
To remember who you are, don’t do anything. Rest, don’t make any plans, and get really quiet. Allow enough of a slowdown that you might even get bored. When was the last time you allowed that? Give yourself enough time and space on your own without a screen, a phone, a book or a task. Allow your mind to pause enough to wander and be bored. With no place to go and nothing to do, you’ll be astonished by what you remember about yourself. Some of it will be awesome and some of it will be uncomfortable. But - here’s the trick - don’t do anything with what you discover. Don’t make plans around it. Just allow yourself some time to be with yourself without doing anything about it. (It can be hard but also very rich.)

Do Something Creative
Alongside doing nothing, remembering who you are requires you to create. This can be hard for those of us who don’t consider ourselves artists. (I am so envious of people who say that they have to - insert creative expression here. Who, when asked about their craft, say that they can’t NOT create. Something moves through them and has to be expressed. I do not have that experience. Creating can be really hard for me.)
I am not an artist, but I - because I am human - have a need to express myself. We all do. We all need to be seen and heard in our unique expression of ourselves - even if we are the only one doing the listening. Remember who you are by writing, singing, dancing, cooking or doing anything that expresses a YOU that is no one else in the world. It doesn’t need to be for public consumption - yourself as an audience of one is sufficient - but it does need to remind you that you are the only instrument you can play. And that playing that instrument feels good.

Get quiet. Express. See what expression comes after the quiet and also how the quiet changes after you express. Notice yourself in both times. Remember who you are.

Be Great
By being “great”, I mean do something that you are great at. Something that comes easily. Something that, by virtue of its simplicity (or your competency), feels effortless or fun. Sometimes we think this “remembering who we are” stuff must be earnest, deep, and accompanied by great epiphanies. But it can also be relaxing, second nature, done without much thought but with enjoyment. Bake your secret recipe cookies, connect two people you care about who need to meet each other, write a dirty limerick, or help a younger colleague with a task - anything, really, that reminds you that who you are also includes ease and competence, not just seeking a next step or figuring something out.

Be Terrible
And also, do something you’re bad at. Really bad. So bad that you don't even think about striving for perfection because basic competence is so far away. This may be an arts and craft project - see here for inspiration - or a night of karaoke, or hammering stuff together (Why is it so hard for a nail to go in straight?!). It doesn’t really matter what you do. The point is to do something that you canNOT possibly excel at.

Don’t do this to inoculate yourself against the sting of failure, but to remind yourself that you can’t be good at everything and sometimes the absurdity of the results can actually bring enjoyment. Every now and again, I try to catch a ball or swing a bat just to keep myself humble, and I always end up laughing a lot.
Be really excellent and revel in that ease. Be really awful and enjoy yourself. Remembering who you are doesn’t have to be full of effort. Clues can be found in ease as well as (light hearted) failure.
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Remembering who we are is the work of a lifetime, but it becomes especially meaningful when we are in transition. It is, perhaps, the most important action we can take when we feel stuck and lost. Maybe if we found that elusive crystal ball and looked into it, we would see that remembering ourselves as both whole and full of contradictions is our future, so it makes sense to engage in some seemingly contradictory behaviors now. Working with these contradictions can bring us new perspectives on ourselves and help us find a kernel of clarity at our center that moves into that future.
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Give it a try and see.

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